i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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