I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
