How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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