Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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