Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
