I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
