something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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