oh god the rape fog is back!
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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