About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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