I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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