i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
