he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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