I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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