I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
