i think my tv is drunk
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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