Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
