im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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