I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
