Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
