I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
