Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
