How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just googled if crying burns calories
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
