Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
