R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
