Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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