i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
