i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
