I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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