and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
