I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
