just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
