I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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