rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
