I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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