i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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