So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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