the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
