Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
