Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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