can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
