dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
