For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
