took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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