I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
