I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
