he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize