this beer tastes like vomit already
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize