OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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