WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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