You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
