i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize