It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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