The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
