i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
