guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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