Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
