So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize