Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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