In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
