Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
