I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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